If Another Woman Farts on Me, Is It Cheating?

Reader Question:
Hi Kelsey! Is it cheating to have someone other than my girlfriend fart in my face? Would she have to be made aware?

Dr. Kelsey’s $0.02:
The only way I can imagine this happening is if you are considering paying a dominatrix…which might (or might not) make a difference to your girlfriend.

What’s “cheating” is really different for everyone. To some people, even looking or thinking about someone else is cheating, though that’s totally unrealistic because we’re clearly NOT monogamous in our attractions (though we may choose to be in behavior). To swingers, having sex with someone else might not be cheating, but it would to most people. To me, a woman who just watched her husband lick another girl’s pussy and ass and get a hand job on video last week, cheating equals lies and dishonesty more than particular acts.

My personal opinion (and you’re free to disagree) is that its unethical to have sexual relations outside of a relationship without everyone knowing. I place a high value on communication, difficult as it often can be, and believe its generally a better use of my energy to work on deepening the relationship then hiding. I just don’t think you can have a happy fulfilling relationship if one or both people are lying about their ‘extracurricular’ activities – then a certain degree of the relationship is, well, fake. If you both have a different picture of what’s going on, is there a shared vision at all? My feeling is – what’s the point of being in a relationship if one or both people are just pretending to be someone they think the other person wants? Those people are never really connecting, in which case why bother?

The problem is, that not everyone is okay with sexual relations outside of a relationship. And not everyone is okay fulfilling their partners’ needs. And some people would rather just go do it and lie than be honest. Its a lot easier, on the surface. I think that’s a common men see escorts or dommes – they’re not comfortable sharing their desires or don’t have the interpersonal skills to work things out with their partners – so they figure if there’s no chance of attachment since its paid, then its not hurting anyone. At the same time, if the situation were reversed, would you be okay if she paid someone?

In some circumstances, such as a sexless marriage where both partners remain committed for non-intimate reasons (for instance, children), or where one partner has a chronic illness, a paid external relationship may actually benefit the primary relationship by allowing a partner to fulfill their needs without violating the bounds of the relationship. In an ideal world, in my opinion, everyone involved would know and approve. But the world is not always ideal, is it?

I think you’ll probably do whatever you really want to do, just be aware that if you keep it a secret, it might cause problems down the road. I would challenge you to perhaps look at why you can’t share this part of your life with her – and if you have to hide something, whether she’s the right person for you or if there are relationship skills (like communication) you could learn that might make things more satisfying for you both.

Whatever you do, good luck :)